I Survived Last Week

Behind the smiles are mixed thoughts and repressed resentments due to work-related disappointments. This term, I’m having a very stressful workload, very headstrong classes and if I’m allowed to say worsening system. Everyday, I get up and always pray that there will be a miracle to get me through the day. Mid-week I’m almost voiceless and almost ready to break. But there is no choice rather to move on. When Friday has finally come, it’s a huge relief!

It is not only students that I need to deal with but also person above me and co-workers. To be honest, I have an attitude that seriously needs complete  overhaul when it comes to seeing fake smiles in the hallways, overdone bows and insincere greetings… and it would be a monumental progress if I could reciprocate the same stupid smirk and acts but I’m a lousy actor… besides fake smiles and black suit don’t suit! Glad it was Friday, slim chance to see another “fake-dness” the next day! I hope things get better after the weekend…

On Thursday, the school had the “wan wai kru” or Teachers’ Respect Day where students offer flowers to their teachers as a show of their respect. For me it was just a literal “show of respect”. I know I am ranting. It is because I hate all shows with no substance. Although I was glad to get some flowers from them who vowed to be good and do better in class. I expect them to keep their promises but knowing teenagers… no fun without noise, laughter and misdemeanors! Not all of them are rowdy but sad to say only very few I’m happy with. I know they’re still young and there’s plenty of room for improvement. I hope I see them grow fine and responsible people one day. In my mind it wasn’t flowers that I need. I need the real meaning of respect but my heart is too enervated to voice out the essence of what they’re doing. Besides I can’t do the change alone, it must start from the system because we, foreign teachers, are just waiting and willing to take part. But…

The reason why I’m quitting from the job is not because of the students or their misbehavior. I can deal with them for it is normal for an adolescent to be impulsive and hyperactive. It is a combination of getting tired of the system that I’ve accepted for 8 years, change of management and caught in between management politics and a few more. Then there’s my daughter who needs me and who is now under my mom’s care because nobody can take care of her during the day when I work. I guess things pile up and give me more than enough reasons to give up so that I can carry on a life with my family and daughter…I have a feeling it’s gonna be precious!

I pray that the following days will be bearable for all of us so that I can keep a happy memory when I depart from this job… I have great memories with elementary and kindergarten students already… I hope to get one from high school department. 😀

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